It’s 9:24pm and for me, it’s a late night. Husband and Kidlet are asleep and all I can hear are the crickets outside my window and the whirr of my computer running.
Peace. Kinda. I’ve got a few ideas running around in my head and they’re a bit mushy, so writing always helps me sort them out. Lately I’ve been feeling a ghastly combination of impatience and frustration, teamed with a feeling I often get when I’m on the cusp of some major new inspiration – except not quite. In recent months, I’ve been madly creating and birthing a plethora of beautiful new ideas which I haven’t even given myself much credit for, before I’m onto something new. Always onto something new.
And honestly, I’m feeling a bit tired of the chase. Tired of always wanting to come up with something newer and bigger and better and more beautiful and more popular and more loved than I ever have before. I’ve noticed recently that the emphasis of my creative dreams have begun to be about how others receive my work, rather than me being able to receive and relish in my own accomplishments.
As an artist, for me the ‘Bees Knees’ is knowing my my work touches people and connects with them on a heart level. To this end I use colour, rhythm and prose to reach out, to connect and sometimes … often … I go too far and that becomes my driving force. I feel so utterly compelled to reach out that I feel utterly let down when the inspiration hits and I create something I feel is so full of love and heart and wonder and I’m not bowled over with a response from ‘out there’, letting me know it’s as special as I’ve felt it to be inside. For some reason, I equate my worth with the number of likes on facebook or comments on my blog. It’s so easy to get hooked on fanfare. In that very moment, I know I’ve stepped outside of myself and approval from others is what I’m after, not connection or sharing from a loving standpoint, which is where my heart really lies.
It’s sad, you know, because as a result, I create, and I create, and I create, and in all that, I rarely let MYSELF RECEIVE or relish in the gift I’ve been given – To simply create because I love to. Things inside me need to change. So as much as possible, I’m going to try to just enjoy. To stop creating because it’s my job or because I want something from the results. It’s harder when your job is also your passion, but that’s just another excuse.
So tonight when I pull up the covers, I’m going to send a little prayer out to the Universe to help me find new, more grounded and loving ways to be present with myself, my life and my art as I now stand. For now, there’s nothing I need to do for approval or to quantify my worth. I’m already everything I need to be, to be me.