Dear Universe, my Maker. I am afraid.
Inside me, my heart wants to play. I have visions of wonder, inspiration and generosity, yet I am afraid to feel them fully, in case they are a lie; in case my intuition is just a whimsical dream, dancing around my heart.
My fear feels like constriction, a hand pulling me back from my lightness of heart, like a school-age child, taunting me into submission. They tell me, "You are not good enough, not strong enough, not cool enough to embody your dreams. So why even try? Stay here. Stay small, with us", they say.
Yet, under my fears, I sense a current of grace; a vibrating truth that feels more like aliveness than any voice I hear in my mind or distant memories. It is Her, my Highest Self.
I both want to hide and I want to stay, to sit in circle with my mindful inner being and drink up the truth that She already knows. She knows I am capable, loving and strong. She knows I am creative and unique and that I have the unique flair that only I can bring into this world through my art, my craft of loving authentically.
I have met Her before, in fact day after day. She guides me each morning as I sit still to breathe and has guided me through storms with her softness and gentle palm on my shoulder and heart. She knows who I am, She is in fact me. Yet because she is soft I chew on her wisdom like cudd, wondering whether to trust her - or not.
She waits. With infinite patience, She waits for me to return to her with arms open wide, no matter how far I have strayed. I know She is Me. Deep down, I know this ... And this is what's so hard to bear.
The truth is that I am scared of grandeur. I am scared of the vibrancy, the audacity of my own Calling. What will happen if I embrace Her fully in my whole waking life?
If I listen within and act on Her truth, I can not know control anymore. I lose grasp of the wheel and place my trust in the unknown. And I fear this surrender, in case She takes me somewhere too dark, too real, too full of truth. Too full of Myself.
The truth is, I have found safety here in my distrust of grace. It's easier to pine for change and relief than it is to truly hand over discomfort to a part of myself who already knows the solution to every problem, every joy, to every dream living.
She is who I've both always wanted and feared - yet I know comes a time to surrender ... for ultimately, it is her who I want to know, to become, to Be.
I close my eyes and listen within.
I call forward and hold out my trembling hands. "I am ready," I say "but first: I am sorry".
I am sorry for all those times I've distrusted You, feared your ways and closed my stomach to Your feelings of knowing.
I am sorry that I knowingly disregard the wisdom You guide me with, through tingling feelings and feathery whispers of Spirit.
I am sorry; for inside my heart is a yearning so strong to inspire and to love and to unveil my whole Self, that it's been easier to run and hide in the shadows of that pain than to fully allow my Self to be seen and known for the truth of who I really am; the truth of becoming You.
I sense Her touch on my trembling hands. And I hear this response:
My Love, you say. You could never disappoint me, for I know your heart in truth. A vibrancy, an energy, a feeling so strong that because you can sense, worlds are born and galaxies rotate and life begins knowing Itself.
My Love, You say. Your knowing is real and your dreams are truth and your wisdom birthed into aliveness. Know you are qualified and able to embody your greatness, for the dreams you so wish for are created by the same energy and vision and vitality of the stars and planets.
My Love, You say. Know this. I am not apart from you. I am simply a part of yourself looking on, witnessing, walking beside you and holding your hand as we navigate our way through this life. We are in this together, two parts in a whole and it is through your action, your listening, Your stillness within that together our paths converge as Alive.
My Love. My Self. My Heart. My Truth. Place a hand on your heart now and take a deep breath. Bring awareness to where you feel your lost longing. Now know I am here and in fact, this feeling is me; calling you forward, with the power and intensity of a Universe coming into form.
I am calling you into your dreams which are, through my eyes, already a vibrant reality. You have the choice, my love, to act from the fear of ancestors past, or to evolve into the knowingness, where you and I meet. You will know it is I calling your into togetherness, when your heart gently vibrates and a leap feels like a gentle and magnificent unfolding of petals.
Know you are loved, and embrace your truth, in the moments before thought sparks fear as to why this couldn't or shouldn't be so. A choice is all that's required. Simply, a choice; to love and to know ourselves as our truth, alive in this place on earth.
Join Me, Dear One and open your heart. Breathe. See and feel and notice the life in and around you. Allow me to call you. Listen within. And together we can birth Our Dreams into existence.
When you experience discomfort in greatness or fear, breathe into my knowing and witness your thoughts. Then let them go. Come back to Us, to the better story and version of Self. It's purely a choice, My Love. A choice to connect or not.
Either way. I will be here. Walking beside you and within you. Calling you to Us with my feathery tendrils of feeling and knowing and sensing.
This is the place where we meet. This is the place We reside.
I am always here and I will never leave you. Our joining is purely a choice; a choice you have an opportunity to take, to make, in every moment and breath of your life.
I am here with you, always.